Why Fourth-Time Mums Don’t “Know It All” And Why That’s Completely OK
It’s my youngest’s birthday this week, which always brings up all the soft, soppy reflections I pretend I don’t have.
The ones where I catch myself thinking how on earth I ever held him against my chest - tiny legs scrunched up, head tucked under my chin - when now he’s basically six feet tall and raiding the fridge like it’s his full-time job!
And it takes me right back to those early days and the assumption that by the time you get to your fourth, you must have it all sorted. As if experience hands you a badge that says “knows exactly what she’s doing now.”
There’s this quiet pressure to glide through things like sleep, feeding, big toddler emotions, and all the everyday chaos simply because you’ve done it before.
But here’s the truth no one says out loud: even fourth-time mums feel the pressure. Yes really!
You still wonder. You still question. You still find yourself second-guessing your choices at 3am.
And yes, society absolutely raises an eyebrow if your baby doesn’t sleep “enough” or your toddler goes full feral in the biscuit aisle… as if you, of all people, should have the magic formula by now.
Each Child Is Different And So Are You Each Time
But children aren’t photocopies. They come with their own quirks, their own rhythms, their own way of being in the world. And even when you’ve done it three times already, number four turns up and shows you that familiar ground can still feel new.
What worked beautifully for one might fall flat for the next. What soothed one to sleep might spark outrage in another.
And there you are again, adjusting, observing, and figuring things out in real time, just as you did before, only now you’ve got the confidence to admit you don’t need all the answers upfront.
Parenting isn’t about repeating a formula. It’s about meeting the child in front of you and noticing who you are this time around.
You’ve changed, too - your patience, your worries, your instincts, your priorities. Each new little one brings out a slightly different version of you, and that’s not a sign you’re getting it wrong. It’s a sign that you’re responding to a real, living person with their own ways of being in the world.
Experience Brings Ease, Not Expertise
There is an ease that comes with experience, but not because the baby is easier.
It’s because you are.
You’ve lived enough life as a mum to recognise when something is just a moment, not a crisis.
You’ve seen yourself survive sleepless nights, messy days, and phases that felt never-ending until one morning you realised they weren’t.
You’ve gathered small scraps of confidence from each child, until suddenly you’re not reacting to everything with the same urgency you once did.
That’s the real shift.
You’re calmer. You’re less rattled by the things that used to feel enormous.
You’ve learned there’s no prize for pretending you’ve got it all together.
And you’ve quietly let go of the idea that every decision needs to be perfect.
Not because you suddenly turn into Supermum, but because somewhere along the way, you learn what actually matters.
And part of what matters is this: the wisdom you gain with each baby isn’t “I now know everything.”
It’s “I now know nobody truly knows everything, and that’s completely OK.”
It’s the softening that happens when you realise that experience doesn’t give you all the answers…it simply helps you trust yourself while you figure things out, one small moment at a time.
The Shift From First-Time Mum to Fourth-Time Mum
With your first, you’re alert to everything: the nap lengths, the feeds, the 2am “is this normal?” worries, the well-meaning comments from anyone who once held a baby in 1983. You’re trying to do it “right,” even if nobody can agree on what “right” actually is.
By the fourth… well, you’re a different parent entirely.
Not because you’ve unlocked mystical powers.
Not because your fourth baby magically sleeps better or tantrums less (spoiler: they often don’t).
But because you’ve lived enough real, messy, wonderful parenting to understand the difference between what feels urgent and what’s actually important.
By then, you’ve weathered enough long nights and sticky-fingered days to realise that every child will take you down their own path, and that no amount of previous experience makes you an oracle.
What it does give you is perspective: the ability to pause before panicking, to choose curiosity over crisis, and to sift the noise from the things that genuinely deserve your time and energy.
It’s not about being more laid-back for the sake of it.
It’s about recognising that you don’t have to pour yourself into everything.
What Fourth-Time Mums Really Know
With experience, you learn to trust yourself in a way you didn’t even realise was possible the first time around.
And honestly? It’s a kind of freedom.
You realise it’s perfectly fine to do what works, even if it isn’t what the books suggest.
If feeding to sleep is the quickest way everyone gets back to bed, you lean in.
If contact naps mean you get to sit still for a moment with a cup of tea instead of playing cot-whack-a-mole, you take it.
If dinner ends up being toast and fruit because the day has been full-on, you shrug and move on.
By the fourth, the guilt softens. The comparison quietens. The pressure to follow a perfect routine dissolves.
You stop chasing imaginary gold stars for doing things the hard way and instead choose the path that brings the most calm to your home.
The Real Secret: No One Has It All Figured Out
This version of parenting isn’t about being laid-back. It’s about being in tune.
More connected. More confident in what truly matters to your baby, your toddler, your family, your sanity.
And the real secret fourth-time mums learn?
No one has it all figured out. Not with baby number one. Not with baby number four. Not ever! And that’s perfectly normal.
Because underneath all the noise, you’re the expert on your baby.
You always have been. You always will be.
Sometimes it just takes a few years (and a few very determined toddlers!) to realise it.
A Gentle Reminder for Every Parent
Wherever you are in your parenting journey - first baby or fourth - here’s your reminder today:
You’re not meant to get it perfect.
You’re meant to get it yours.
And that’s more than enough.
